You're Not Heroes
by Lil Bryce
Summary: If they're not heroes then what are they and why do they do this? Delve into the mind of an underwritten fireman.


I watch Third Watch faithfully. WhileI love the characters and the pairings as much as the next guy,I feel that there area couple guys who are underwritten.I love Billy and DK. They aren't there enough, but whatI have seeen,I love. I especially love the idea of Alex and Billy.I just felt that they had a chemistry before she died.I don't know where it came from, but somehowI just got this idea afterI watched "In Leiu of Johnson" (for the third time) recently.

"You're not heroes, none of you. You're husbands, wives and fathers. You're not heroes."

That's what Johnson's wife said to us. She was so upset about what happened to him. I don't blame her. I still can't believe what happened to him. Johnson was such a great man. He was so important to everyone. Johnson loved his job. The fire, it was in his blood. If you really knew Johnson, you knew that he felt that this job was what he was meant to do. No matter how much he loved his job though, he loved his family more. If he had known that this job was going to take him away from his wife and his children, he wouldn't have gone out there. Johnson was important to me. He was a good friend and he was someone that I respected immensely. Truth is though; he was a better man than I am. Johnson never let his job take him away from his family. I wasn't that strong; I let the job control me. I let the job destroy me. I let the job become more important than my family.

"You're not heroes. You're husbands, you're fathers."

I was a husband and a father. I guess technically, I still am a father. I loved my wife so much, I really did. Truth is I still do. I love my son too. He was my entire life. Sean is the most important part of my life. My little boy; my baby. All that he ever wanted was to be just like me. I think that's probably what scared Lisa most. I was already a fireman when I met Lisa. She knew what my life was and she knew how much it meant to me. She signed up for it. She signed on to be a fireman's wife. Honestly, that's probably the hardest job. When I came home at night, I had my demons. Lisa wanted me to talk to her. I did, at first. As time went on, things got worse. As things got worse, I withdrew. I didn't talk anymore. Lisa got mad, and then she got sad. She felt that I wasn't emotionally available. She felt that I was too into my job. She told me that I needed to be there for her and for Sean. I wanted to be there, I just didn't know how. The things I see out there, they are some of the worst things anyone could have to see. I didn't want to bring those horrors home. I didn't feel that Lisa should have to deal with that. I wanted to keep Sean sheltered. When Bobby died, that was hard. Bobby wasn't my best friend, but he was a great man. I couldn't talk to Lisa about it though. I just couldn't bring that crap home with me. I still remember the day that Lisa shattered my life. I came home and she was sitting on the couch crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she couldn't do this anymore. We had a big fire that day and as it turned out, it was on the news. She said that she couldn't watch the TV like that anymore. She said that she loved me but she couldn't live with the responsibilities of being my wife. She told me that she would not make Sean live with it anymore. I was devastated. This was my family. My wife was going to leave me and she was going to take my son. I love both of them and I know it sounds bad, but I didn't fight Lisa. I didn't challenge her decision to leave and I didn't fight the fact that she was taking Sean with her. I love my son. I want to see him; I wish that I could be in his life. More than anything though, I just want what's best for him. I knew that Lisa was right. It wasn't fair to them to live the way that they were. Sean deserved a normal life. He was still a little boy and all he wanted was to be just like his daddy. Once he got older, however, once he was old enough to understand, he would be living in the same scared pain as his mom. I didn't want my boy to have to live like that, so I let Lisa leave. I signed the divorce papers and I gave her custody all without resistance. It's been over three years. I haven't seen my ex-wife or my son in over three years. Lisa called after September eleventh. She wanted to make sure that I was okay. We talked for a long while. She told me that Sean was doing good, he was adjusting well. She told me Sean missed me and she assured me that she didn't talk bad about me. She didn't tell Sean that I was some deadbeat dad who walked out on his son. She reminds him everyday that I love him and that someday I'll see him again. She asked me how I was doing and for the first time in a long time, I told her. I was completely honest about what was going on and how I felt about it. Funny thing, it took her leaving for me to actually talk to her. I still love Lisa and I know that she still loves me. We didn't get divorced because we feel out of love. It is just hard to be a fireman and it is hard to be a fireman's wife. Jimmy and Kim didn't make it. Joe had to leave the department to keep Linda from leaving him. DK has never been married. Johnson was the only on who's relationship survived. The job didn't kill his relationship, it killed him.

As a woman, I trusted Alex's point of view. She was never married to a firemen but she did grow up watching her parents, her mom. She once told me that she thought it probably harder to be a fireman's wife than to be the actual fireman. I don't know if she was right. I do know how hard it is to be a fireman though and if Alex was right then the department wives are probably the strongest people around. I don't blame Lisa for leaving. Actually, I respect her tremendously for sticking around as long as she did. She had to put up with a lot during our marriage. She is probably stronger than I am.

"You're not heroes. You're husbands and fathers."

I don't see myself as a hero. I do see myself as a father though. I also see myself as an ex-husband who still loves his wife. I want to make this world safer for Lisa, for Sean, for everyone. I want my boy to grow up in a world where he is protected. I let his mom take him just so he could have some shot at getting that peace of mind. We're not heroes, we didn't sign up to be. That isn't why we're firemen. We do this not for the glory or the money, we do it for the people. I hope that Joey never loses Jimmy and I hope that Sean never loses me, the way that Johnson's kids lost him. If it should happen though, it will be for the greater good. I don't want my son to lose me. There are a lot of children out there that shouldn't lose their parents either. And parents who shouldn't lose their children. If I lose my life rescuing the scared little girl or the single father of three, then that's what has to happen. That's what I signed up for and that's the way that Sean would want it. Over one-thousand firemen across the country lose their lives to the job every year. They do not die in vain. Johnson did not die in vain. He died tried to save Alex. That was the point. He signed on to be a fireman to protect people. He died doing just that. Protecting the innocent, protecting a brother (or sister in this case). I would do the same thing, so would any other brother. I don't want to leave Sean; Jimmy doesn't want to leave Joey. Either one of us would give our life though, without a second thought, a moment's hesitation. That's what you do. I also know that if I did die, Sean would not get left behind. Jimmy would look after him, as would DK, Joe and everyone else. If something happened to Jimmy we would all look out for Joey. That's the way it works. It's a brotherhood; a family.

"Tell me why. It's not for the money, the glory. Why do you do this?"

When Mrs. Johnson asked us that, no one answered. She asked us why her husband died, well, he died for her. She said that we're husbands and fathers. She's right we are; and that's why we do this. We do it for our wives, our children, our parents, and all of the innocent people out there who don't even know who we are.

This job ends up controlling a lot of people. Truth is though; it controls you long before you even realize it. A true fireman lives, eats and breaths his job. He bleeds fire red. When he's needed, he's there, no questions asked. Lisa once asked me why I did this. What was it that made a man want to run into a fire, when natural instinct tells then to run out? I couldn't answer her. That's the way that it is. You could ask any one of my "brothers" why they do this job and they couldn't tell you. A fireman just is. They may have certain motivations, such as family, for why they do this. The desire, the pure love of the job, that can't be explained though. I wanted to be a fireman for as long as I could remember. I don't know what made me want to do it. I do know why I stay though. I stay because it's in my blood. I stay because this is where I need to be. I stay for the people. I will protect the innocent with everything that's in me. As long as I'm around, my wife and my son will never have to battle the fiery demon.


End file.
